


Designated Driver by Default

by emrys (livingshitpost)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol, Alcoholic Tony Stark, Ambiguous Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Background Poly, Background Relationships, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Ceiling Vent Clint Barton, Deaf Clint Barton, Drunken Shenanigans, Drunkenness, Everyone Is Gay, Everyone Is Poly Because Avengers, F/M, M/M, Multi, Nicknames, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, Not Beta Read, Not Canon Compliant, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Open Relationships, Pansexual Tony Stark, Polyamory, Protective Steve, Sorry Not Sorry, Thor Is Not Stupid, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Weird Fluff, also? every avenger is trans fuck u, but he is when he's drunk, clint is like a cat i stg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2019-02-14 08:39:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13003983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/livingshitpost/pseuds/emrys
Summary: Steve is too old for this shit.





	Designated Driver by Default

"Has anyone seen Clint?"

Bruce shrugs, leaning into Steve's chest. "You're warm . . ."

Steve absently pats his back. "I know, buddy." He scans the room. "Shit. Tony?" He pulls Bruce to his feet. "Tony, babe, c'mon, you gotta help me find Clint."

"I'm busy," Tony hissed, surrounded by a gaggle of men and women. "You can find him yourself. Can't he?"

The small crowd nodded and giggled in agreement.

"You are the  _most_ unhelpful person."

A glass shattered.

"Another!"

" _Shit_." Steve all but carried Bruce toward the source of the sound. "Thor, you have  _got_ to stop doing that; you've already gotten us banned from seven bars- you put that tankard down! Have you seen Clint?"

"The Little Bird Man?" Thor laughed. "Probably up in his roost." He clapped the man beside him (who seemed to be incredibly uncomfortable with the situation as a whole) on the back.

"What?"

"Look up, Patriotic One!"

Steve didn't want to, but he did anyway. Sure enough, there was Clint, sleeping like a cat in the rafters. 

"How the hell are we gonna get him down from there?"

"The Spider."

"Peter is  _fifteen_ , Thor."

"No, not him. Not him. The, ah-" he snapped his fingers a few times. "Natalie!"

"Natasha."

"That's what I said."

"Yeah. Hey, can you watch Bruce for a minute?"

"Of course! Come here, little scientist friend!"

"You're loud."

"I am!"

Okay, that was five Avengers accounted for. Only two more to go.

"Do you know where Nat is?"

Thor gestured in the general direction he thought she was in.

"Thanks. And, please, for the love of  _God_ , no more tankard smashing."

"No promises."

Someone was speaking Russian and tugging at Steve's pant leg. He looked down.

"Buck, what are you doing lying on the floor?"

"Tired," Bucky mumbled. "Come down here, Stevie."

"Okay, c'mon." He bent down and grabbed Bucky by the shoulders. He was easy enough to lift, but he wobbled when he stood, so he leaned against Steve for support.

"I love you, Stevie."

"I love you too, Buck. Now c'mon, we're gonna head home."

"Nooooooo, I'm fine." He wrapped his arm around Steve's neck and kissed him messily on the lips.

"I appreciate the gesture, but now's not the time for that."

Bucky grumbled, but decided to comply anyway.

"Buck, do you know where Nat is?"

"Mmm, she's asleep." He held one finger in front of his lips. "Shhhhhhhhhhh." He giggled.

"Asleep  _where_?"

Bucky pointed at a big lump in the dark corner between two couches.

Steve rolled his eyes and gently shoved Bucky onto one of the couches, then crawled up onto the other and carefully lifted Natasha like a baby. He shook her gently. "Nat, wake up."

But it was no use. She was out like a light. Steve placed her in Bucky's lap and he played gently with her hair, close to falling asleep himself.

"Excuse me, Thor," Steve said, climbing up on the counter, "I need to get Clint down."

"Hey," the bartender said, "you can't stand up there."

"Watch me." He poked and prodded at Clint to get him to roll off of the support beam.

"Sir, get down!"

"I will. Just gimme a second."

Clint rolled the  _exact_ wrong way and landed on the floor just beside the bartender.

"I'm gonna call the cops."

"Understandable, have a good day."

Apparently, though, they didn't, since Steve wasn't bothered by anyone as he crammed his six oversized children into the car. He was grateful for that, at least.

"Steve," Tony whined, "Bruce is drooling on my suit."

"You fuck him on a regular basis, Tony. Why do you care?"

"Because we fuck  _naked_ , not while I'm wearing expensive suits!"

"I didn't need to know any of that," Thor complained.

"Nobody did, Thor," mumbled Bucky. 

"You are all so lucky I can't get drunk," Steve muttered as he drove them all back to the tower, "because I would drop this underpaid babysitting gig on any of you in a heartbeat."

"Maybe not Tony."

"Hey!"

"Why is everyone acting like we're in a silent- wait. Steve, I lost my hearing aids."

"Oh,  _now_ he wakes up." Steve sighed. "Don't you have spares back at the tower?"

"What?"

"Forget it. I'll go back and get them in the morning. Someone tell him that."

There was a moment of silence as Tony turned around and signed to Clint.

"Fuck you, Stark!"

Steve didn't even want to know.


End file.
